The 5 Most Empowering Words You'll Ever Hear: No One Cares About You.

For most of my life, I tried to be perfect. I bent over backwards for others when they never did the same. I’d spend hours and hours of my day fretting over what others said about me, what they wanted from me, and what they did not give me.

It was an exhausting life, but I didn’t stop. I was determined to be a perfect human being, one that everyone liked and admired.

Instead, all I got was disappointment. My friends wondered why I worried so much about people I disliked, which made them suspicious. My boss took advantage of me, increased my hours without consulting me, and ignored the days I asked off. My family asked too much of my time, wanted me to drive everywhere they desired. Soon, I was backed into a corner, trapped. In the darkness, I wondered, “What is wrong with me? Why is everything so difficult, even when I try so hard?” And then, it hit me — no one cares about me.

This realization wasn’t a curse — it was a miracle. It was like my brain switched on, and the gears finally turned. No one was obligated to be nice to me, give me a raise, or accept my follow request. But I was responsible for my own happiness.

Immediately, I switched tactics. I used all the time and energy I spent on others on myself. I used my paycheck to buy myself clothes, shoes, and perfume. I stopped kissing my boss’s behind and set boundaries with co-workers. I made it clear to friends that certain times weren’t acceptable to hang out. And then, something strange happened — I didn’t care about their approval anymore.

In no time, the approval I’ve always wanted returned tenfold. The people I tried so hard to impress, now wanted to talk to me. At first, I was hurt. But now I realize that they avoided me in the past because they intuitively knew that I did not prioritize myself, which made me a repellant.

We are all attracted to those who are focused on themselves. Think about who you had a crush on, someone who admired at work, or a YouTuber you respect. All of them prioritize themselves, which in turn makes you respect them.

If you’re wondering why things aren’t working out for you, even when you do so much, ask yourself when was the last time you did your hobby, or gotten yourself a spa day? Step back and ask if you spent your money on your car repairs instead of someone else’s. By stepping back, you reclaim your power, and in turn, your life will change forever.

Men Chronicles: If He Doesn’t Pursue You, He Doesn’t Want You Sis

Recently, I’ve been interested in marriage. It’s not like I’m desperate for a proposal to come knocking at my door. But when it comes to the idea of it, my brain switched from indifference to interest. However, no one has ever sat me down and told me how the courting process goes. So, I used what I learned from society and decided to approach the guy I liked.

Big, big mistake.

Today, I want to share with you 5 reasons why you should never pursue a man.

1. If he doesn’t pursue you, you’ll forever question his love

If you were the one to pluck up the courage and asked him out and he said yes, you might think this is a good thing. However, years down the line you’ll wonder if he would have pursued you if you didn’t.

Although he may say that he cares about you, you’ll never know if fate would’ve brought you two together if you just stayed on the other side of the room.

Also, guys who are interested in you will pursue. They will come up to you and introduce themselves. Yes, even if they’re “shy”.

2. If he doesn’t approach you but shows interest, he’s taken

A guy showed interest in me before, but later down the line I learned that he was in a committed relationship.

I felt betrayed. I knew that he was interested, and I had no idea that he was taken. But to the rest of the world, it looked like I was the home-wrecker.

I didn’t know that my reputation was on the line when I pursued him, and he didn’t care enough to let me know that he wasn’t single.

Guys like this like to keep their relationships secret, not private. A private relationship means that everyone knows that he’s taken but he doesn’t share the details. A secret one, means that everyone, especially other women, are confused about his status, so he’s able to flirt will all sorts of women when his partner isn’t around.

Honestly, these are the worst type of men.

3. If he doesn’t approach you but he’s single, he doesn’t like you enough

Some women will swear up and down that their crush likes them. That could be true. But does he like you enough?

Maybe a guy likes a girl but isn’t interested in marriage. Or, he likes her but she’s from a different ethnicity and his parents won’t approve. Or, he just wants to toy with her heart and see if she’ll fall for his charm. Regardless, a man that doesn’t pursue you for whatever reason, doesn’t care about you enough.

4. He’s a boy, not a man

Just because he’s your age, doesn’t mean he’s mature enough to pursue a relationship.

He may have financial issues, or isn’t emotionally mature. But, if you know that it’ll take him years to be ready for a relationship, don’t sit on the sidelines waiting for him.

Even if you wait for him for 2-3 years to get his act together, he won’t respect you anymore. He’ll see you as a desperate woman and will pursue someone that’s a challenge.

5. He doesn’t respect you

A lot of men can tell when a woman likes them. Even if you don’t go up to him, he already knows.

This might hurt, but I have to say it. Guys don’t respect a woman who will sacrifice their self-respect for him.

Whether you agree or not, pursuing a man or waiting months for him to approach will make him think you don’t think highly of yourself, and their interest in you will evaporate.

The solution? Screw him!

If he doesn’t pursue you but you think he’s husband material, pray to God to find a man that has his traits.

Trust me, this person isn’t worth spending days, months, or even years waiting for. What’s the point of waiting for his relationship to end, his “shyness” to go away, or his financial situation to get better? Think about it — if the roles were reversed, would he do any of that for you? No!

Try to remember how life was like before he came into the picture. Weren’t you happier, more content, and self-assured? Try to find that person again and rise up from this nonsense.

Don’t think of this person as a loss — no, he lost you, and you’re too good to be sitting around waiting for someone who doesn’t care.

It’s time to move on.

Until then, bye!

The Fear of Having Children — Labor, Mental Illnesses, & More

My mother, aunts, and grandmothers have all given birth to several children each — large families are normal in Somali households. However, growing up, I’ve been afraid of having children. When I’d tell my mother I was afraid, she would tell me that that feeling would go away.

Now that I’m older, I’m still afraid of having children. When I’d tell other women, most would say I was overreacting or being dramatic. Or worse, they’d ask if I’ve had a traumatic childhood.

Without further ado, here’s the 10 reasons why I’ve always been afraid of having children:

1. Dying while giving birth

My biggest fear is dying while giving birth.

One day, my mother casually mentioned that a relative died this way. For the rest of the day, I thought about how short her life was and how unfair it is to be brushed off as just another woman who sacrificed her life for her child’s.

You might call this fear irrational, but I’m genuinely terrified of this happening to me.

2. The pain of labor

I’ve heard that being in labor is the most painful experience any human can go through, which is exactly why I’m afraid of it. Just the idea of sitting on a hospital bed with excruciating contractions makes me want to vomit.

And, I hate how it’s so normalized. Sure, the majority of woman on this planet has given birth before, but that doesn’t mean those 4-48 hours in labor means nothing!

3. Passing down mental illnesses

I’m afraid that my children will have ADHD like me, and they will have to maneuver a world that wasn’t created for them. I don’t want to raise children that will struggle with their mental health the same way I do. I don’t want them to cry at night wondering why they can’t be normal or break down because of the scrutiny of others.

In other words, I want to protect them, but I can’t prevent them from inheriting what’s biological.

4. Fear of not raising them right

I’m afraid that I’ll be an emotionally neglectful parent. I know that I’m not perfect, and there’s a lot of negative qualities that I have that won’t be good for them.

For example, I’m not consistent and I struggle to connect with others emotionally. If I have children, these negative qualities would be a huge obstacle to giving them the quality care they deserve.

5. Regret

Whenever we talk about motherhood, it’s all rainbows and sunshine. But the reality is, many mothers regret having children.

We like to throw these type of mothers under the rug, calling them monsters for not having the same wonderful outlook as the rest.

Also, most mothers are pressured by family and friends to have children, which isn’t fair. Maybe it’s not a good time for them to have a child, but any woman who decides to wait or chooses not to have children is called “selfish” by her parents and in-laws.

6. Financial burden

I know that money plays a crucial role in how easy or hard it is to raise a child. A box of diapers at Walmart costs $25. Yes, just a box. So imagine the cost of everything else a baby would need in one year?

Also, if I can’t afford to give my child a life of comfort, I’d spend the rest of my life feeling guilty that I brought them into a world of lack and poverty.

7. Adoption…?

Whenever I talk about adoption, my mother and siblings would say, “But, what about having your own? You can still have some yourself, right?” And it would make me wonder why an adopted child isn’t enough.

Do I really have to have a child that came out my body for it to be considered real? And, why can’t I just have adopted children? Why is it so wrong to not have mini-versions of yourself running around?

8. Post-partum depression

Because I already deal with mental illnesses, the chance of having post-partum depression brings chills down my spine.

Not wanting to look at your child or having fantasies of throwing them out a window is terrifying. I don’t want to give birth and then spend the first few months of my child’s life wishing it were never born.

9. Raising them alone

What if my husband leaves me and I’m left to raise my children alone?

The divorce rate in Muslim families has skyrocketed over the years, so there’s a chance their father won’t be in the picture. If so, how will I be able to raise them? Am I even mentally strong enough to do so?

10. Anxiety/Overthinking

I’d be that overly-strict parent that would never let my child leave the house, for fear of something happening to them.

Growing up, I would hate how strict my mother was when it came to sleepovers and hanging out with friends, but unfortunately, I know that I’d be just the same way.

Worse, if I lost my child for just a second, I’m sure I’d faint from fear.

To conclude, I don’t think I’m cut out to be a parent. I don’t think I can handle the responsibility of raising a child in this world.

To everyone that thinks I’m overreacting, I don’t care. These are valid reasons why many women are afraid of to have children, especially me, so don’t deem me a monster for how I feel.

Until next time, bye!

Why I Deleted Instagram: 10 Reasons Why I Left That Toxic Universe

In my last post, I talked about how I impulsively deleted Instagram because of my struggles with ADHD, anxiety, and depression. However, the decision to delete Instagram wasn’t truly compulsive.

Subconsciously, I knew Instagram was a fake world. It’s an illusion where we believe we’re connected to those around us when we’re not.

While having my dark episode, my intuition told me that Instagram contributed to my depressive symptoms.

Without further ado, here are 10 reasons why I deleted Instagram:

1. You’re not connected — it’s an illusion

All you see is what others want you to see. The people around you are going through difficult moments in their life, but all you see is their smiling faces.

You think everyone’s doing well and they’re at the height of their careers, but once you meet them in person, you realize it’s a facade.

2. They don’t feel obligated to see you in person

When you’re connected to others and see their work schedule, school life, and family feuds every day, it’s easy to pass up on opportunities to hang out. After all — you do know everything that’s going on in their life, so what’s the point of meeting them in person?

Although this is an awful mindset, I know that I have thought this at least once. Many people I’ve followed would also avoid me in public. It made me wonder — what’s the point of following so many people if we can’t even say hi to each other?

3. If you see your followers in person, they avoid you like the plague

A lot of my followers were not happy to see me in person. They would either avoid me when I’d approach, or pretend I don’t exist. But lo’ and behold, as soon as I post something on my story, they watch it.

It hurt to realize this, but Instagram doesn’t bring people together. It’s not a place to make new friends.

4. It’s a dark place filled with dark energy

There’s a lot of bad energy on Instagram. The green-eyed monster runs rampant on this platform.

I’ve caught my relatives talking about my posts behind my back. The things they said weren’t pleasant. But to my face, they’re quiet as mules.

It’s frustrating because I know they’re talking so much crap about what I post but would never say it to my face. It made me wonder how much bad energy was coming my way, all because someone was jealous or hated my guts.

Also, whenever I posted a good photo of myself, something horrible happened. Three minutes after I posted a nice photo of myself, I was pulled over by the police. The day after I share good news about my career, there’s a setback in my work life. Another time, I got so sick, I couldn’t get out of bed for days.

I know it’s not fair to say that all these bad things happened because I posted photos of myself. However, all of these bad things happened in the span of one week. Even my family wondered why my luck went sour.

5. You’re accomplishments makes others insecure

They’ll start to resent you as a person. Whether your intentions are pure or not, the people you follow will compare your photos to themselves, nitpicking their flaws in comparison to yours.

It doesn’t matter how much you share about body positivity and mental health, your mere existence on the platform causes others’ to have insecurities of themselves.

6. No one cares about you

It doesn’t matter if you follow the person or not. To them, you’re a complete stranger.

Even if you comment on their stories or like their posts, it doesn’t mean anything to them. You’re just a profile picture with a username. Nothing more, nothing less.

7. It doesn’t help with FOMO

The reason why I felt so much pressure to have an Instagram account was because I was afraid that I would miss out on amazing opportunities.

While Instagram was a great way to find out about events, 90% of the time I couldn’t go to them. So, all the platform did was let me know of all the events I couldn’t come to, and all the group photos and boomerangs my friends made made me feel left out.

8. You won’t focus on your hobbies anymore

I realized that I spent so much time on Instagram that I stopped updating this blog. Or crocheting. Or studying.

I thought that Instagram was a good use of my time. I thought that if I spent my time posting meaningful comments and funny stories, it would help me connect to others.

But meeting the people I followed in person was a harsh reality check. Worse, like a brick slapped across my face. I realized that no one owed me anything, and all the time I spent on the app was gone forever.

On top of it all, I had no one to blame but myself.

9. Your account is never private

When I posted a silly video on my story, a cousin of mine screen recorded it and showed it to all the people he knew. Other cousins and complete strangers told me they watched my video, which made me sick to my stomach.

The video was supposed to be special — the 70 people who regularly viewed my story were the only ones allowed to watch it. Instead, it became this viral thing.

People will know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who will show them all your photos and stories. They would never have to follow you. All they’ll do is call up their friend to creep on your page.

10. You become a people-pleaser

I realized I wasn’t myself when I was too afraid to posting too much on my story, too scared to post a photo of myself, and spent hours of my day looking at how many likes I got on a photo.

I became this anxious person that wanted to please my audience. I felt like I was on “performance-mode” every second of the day, to the point of exhaustion.

Believe me, I tried so hard to spend less time on the app. But I don’t have the self-restraint that the average person has. Even if I just wanted to check how many likes I got, I’d spend hours scrolling through photos of others.

To put icing on the cake, the first thing I’d do when I wake up was scroll through Instagram. Yup, it was that moment that snapped me into reality.

To conclude, Instagram is a toxic space which does nothing but heighten your insecurities and bring bad energy at your door.

I never listened to my mom when she told me that putting your information out there will bring il (evil eye). I thought she was over-exaggerating. But in the end, she was right.

Don’t worry, this post isn’t to guilt any of you into deleting your accounts forever. If you’re good at keeping your information private and post wisely, there’s nothing wrong with using the app.

Until next time, bye!

ADHD, Anxiety, & Depression: A Cycle of Doom

Sometimes, I wake up one morning, and it takes all my energy to walk into the bathroom and brush my teeth. Dark thoughts consume me — suddenly, I decide that I hate myself, don’t want to live, and nothing I do has any meaning.

This, combined with my impulsive nature, makes me do things I regret. For example, I recently deleted my Instagram account. Not because I wanted to, but because I let the negative thoughts in my head make me believe that I was a waste of space and time.

This isn’t the only regretful thing I’ve done when I’m at this low state. Last year, I left school. The year before that, I deleted a blog I spent four paychecks on. And the year before that, I deliberately failed an easy course.

What most people don’t talk about is how ADHD is never a stand-alone issue. Most of us deal with ADHD, along with anxiety and depression.

This post is a run-down on how ADHD relates to both of these mental illnesses and how I deal with dark episodes.

ADHD & Anxiety

When I’m not consistent with my work, I start to become a nervous wreck. For example, when I forget to pay the bills, fill up my timesheets, or miss the appointments I waited months for, I start to feel awful about myself.

There are friends that I forget to hang out with, siblings I forget to pick up, and employers I forget to talk to. These issues start to pile up until I became anxious around others. Paranoid, even. I wonder how long it would take for them to lose patience with me. Or, I wonder how long it would take for them to think I don’t care.

The anxiety becomes so overwhelming that either run away or shut down.

ADHD & Depression

Depression and anxiety go hand-in-hand. So, if you have anxiety, the chances of you developing depression are high. For me, depression shows up when I least expect it.

I wake up one morning in horror, with extreme thoughts of self-hate and emptiness. It’s at this moment that I realize that depression creeped into my life, and something has to change.

What to do? Get out of your mind.

I just wanted to put it out there that sometimes, ADHD can force you into a dark, dark place. The lack of consistency, extreme impulsiveness, and other mental illnesses that come with this disorder often make us feel like we’re in a battle with our own minds.

What I do that helps when I’m having an episode is to get out of my head. Distracting myself with hobbies is the best way to lower my chances of doing something I’ll regret.

For example, I’m writing this blog post to distract me from the negative thoughts I’m currently having.

Remember — You’re Not Alone

What comforts me the most when I’m dealing with ADHD is knowing that there are so many people who deal with the same issues. So many of us struggle in silence, but I want you to know that you’re not alone.

This disorder doesn’t make you less than others or make you less reliable. It’s something that’s a part of you, but it doesn’t define you.

Don’t let the stigma of mental illnesses make you feel like you can’t be vocal about your struggles. The people around us love to minimize our struggles with having ADHD because we look and behave so normal. Just because we look normal, doesn’t mean we’re not struggling.

If you have any questions or concerns, please reach out to me through this blog. I’d love to talk to you about what’s going on in your life.

Until then, love and light.

Transgender Females Are Destroying Women’s Athletics.

Very few people speak out against transgender females competing with biological females; however, people are quick to call out Semenya because of her unusually high testosterone levels. This makes me question whether it’s fair to have Semenya take drugs to lower her testosterone levels when we allow transgender females to compete without blinking an eye.

In case you don’t know, Semenya is a South African woman who was unknowingly tested by the NCAA because she kept winning every track event. Sure enough, they found that she had higher levels of testosterone than the average female, which caused so much outrage that the court of South Africa is forcing her to take dangerous drugs to lower her testosterone. If she refuses to take them, she won’t compete again.

Our society does not place the same level of outrage for transgender females. Even though Semenya’s testosterone levels are high for a woman, a transitioning female’s levels are much higher. But transgenders are not questioned about their testosterone levels. No one cares if it’s fair for them to complete against biological women. Anyone that does speak up about them is either bullied or silenced for their “hateful” views.

Do I hate transgender females? No, absolutely not. I just think they have no place in women’s sports. Transgender females are biologically male but identify as female. Biological males should not compete against biological females. There is a reason why athletic tests for women are less rigorous than men’s; men’s bodies are stronger and faster than women’s. That’s why biological women that compete with transgender women stand no chance.

If this post comes off as hateful and disrespectful to the transgender community, I apologize. But I have to stand up for women. Some women that compete need to win so they can get scholarships to go to college; how can we shrug our shoulders and allow their rightful spots to be taken?

That’s why Semenya’s backlash blows my mind. We sit and tear apart a biological woman for being born the way she is while praising transgender women for winning all women’s categories. It’s strange how our society has come to this.

Confidence Is Doing

Photo by Timothy Dykes on Unsplash

Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect.

Mark Victor Hanson

When I first started karate as an adult, I was a white belt. I was awkward, and I watched the brown and black belts in my class in awe, feeling so small. My kicks and stances were wobbly next to theirs, and I was jealous of their confidence as they held each move with certainty.

It’s been three years since then, and now I’m a brown belt. After thousands of hours of practice, hard work, and perseverance, I walk into karate with a sureness that would make anyone believe I had all the confidence in the world. And then, it hit me — confidence doesn’t come by wishing for it. It comes by doing.

“Believing in yourself” is a scam

We were all taught from a young age that confidence comes within. “You just gotta believe in yourself!” is what teachers, parents, and friends would say. So, we close our eyes, imagine a wand twirling above our heads, and voila! As we open our eyes, we expect a boost of self-esteem to surge through our veins. And to our disappointment, we feel the same.

And that’s why I believe we were scammed as children.

Doing something long enough will make you confident in it

As much as singers want you to believe that they were born with talent, that’s not the case. Many singers, if you check their old performances, didn’t sound nearly as good as they do today.

The same goes for writers, public speakers, and even doctors. No one wakes up one day and is an expert at what they do. And, whoever tells you that these celebrities knew what they were doing since they could walk is either lying or naïve.

The myth of being born with talent tricks so many of us into thinking that we can’t improve a skill over time. This myth causes so many of us never to sing, dance, or publicly speak in our lifetimes. In other words, we give up before we start.

When you’re confident at one thing, it becomes a domino effect

The point is, having confidence in one thing pours into all other aspects of your life.

If you’re struggling with confidence, try a new skill that you can improve on. For example, if you love makeup, make it a priority to learn something new so you can improve over time. In no time, you’ll feel better about yourself and realize the potential you have as a person.